Ending a Future and Finding Another

What January consisted of for me.

To say January was unproductive isn't quite covering all the problems I've had last month. Preparing my story for a month before and then trying to write up several new story ideas when my first failed made it very clear that my NaNoWriMo was a disastrous failure. It seemed no matter what I wrote I had no connection to it and it didn't feel like I was accomplishing anything. At week three I tossed the pencil across the room, threw my hands up in the air, and promptly gave up on the whole venture deciding to relax for a little while instead.

Problem was I couldn't really relax. It was becoming clear that I wasn't comfortable with writing regularly. Writing was something I wanted to make a career out of and it still potentially is. My inability to have any creativity made me ask myself constantly, "What is wrong with you?"

The answer was a mix of several things. One, I'm in the middle of a depression which can make writer's block feel like a real life hell. The self loathing that comes with not accomplishing your own goals makes you not want to get out of bed and to consequently bury your head in the sand so you don't have to deal with the rest of the world and it's expectations. The second was that I've been thrown (by my own will) into a creative business that I haven't really tried my hand at before. Honestly I never took a journalism course outside of high school. And when I did take that course all I did was make poorly drawn Microsoft Paint comics for the school newspaper; a far cry from professional editorials of any sort. Thirdly, I have begun to wonder if my college degree was really what I should have been pursuing for five years with the constant feelings of unsteadiness that I've been dealing with.

This mess of facts and questions lead to a perfect storm of personal turmoil that I'm working on getting my butt out of. I will always like writing and will probably continue this blog (2-3 days a week instead of daily.) However, it has become plain to me that I need to stabilize my future by setting up some goals. The first of which will include me going back to college while I still can. My father works at a university, so I get nine credits free a semester at my school. I may return to professional editing and writing again later on in life, but for now I want to explore other opportunities. 

I'll start writing for fun on the sides when my Musa Internship is over and keep my skills sharp in any way I can. I'm still artistic at heart, but when it comes to perfectionism in this field I know I'm lacking. Thus, I think as a growing writer I will relegate my writing to a page a day (for fun).

Depression is an ugly thing, but clearing up your future plans definitely helps with making life feel better. Exercise, a schedule, and accomplishing tasks seem to be factors that help dissipate my lethargy and irritability. However, knowing how many expectations I can have of myself is key too. Making too many goals only makes my problems worse, thus the drop in the number of blog posts I will be doing. For now I'll trudge on and look forward to the days yet to come.

Planning Ahead

I'll admit it, I used to be a worthless writer. In high school I received mostly A's. So, thinking all was well, in my junior year I took Advanced Placement Composition, a college level writing class. I received an "A" and decided to take the eighty-nine dollar test. A.P. tests are scored 1 through 4 with four being excellent, three being normal, two being poor, and one being awful.

I received a two on the test. POOR.

I remember being stunned that I had done so badly. My grades certainly didn't reflect the score I received, but my parents knew. They had known for awhile. They were not happy when I showed them my final portfolio. My parents went to the principal to complain about my good grades. It was plain to them that I didn't grasp some of the basic rules of English and therefore didn't deserve them. It was humiliating to say the least.

The next year, against the advice of my high school, I enlisted in a remedial English course for college students. That course taught me grammar, spelling rules, and how to compose a paper properly. She drilled into our heads that pen and paper helped you think while writing. She mandated we edit every paper we turned in. We had to have a first and second draft for every paper.

I haven't picked up The Classic Guide to Better Writing since then. Part of me was naive and embarrassed  I never wanted to face my weaknesses or pick up the book again. Reading the book reminded me how feeble my memory can be and that even after my remedial class it helps to review some of the rules.

The first chapter is about mapping a plan for what you want to write. It basically says while you might be able to deliver a message nobody will want to listen to the garbled mess you'd make up on the spot.

The last few weeks I've been producing notes and research on various things for my future novel The God Syndrome. While these notes will help me keep information short at hand, they won't help me write my story in a fluid fashion. They are a garbled mess that have no meaning by themselves. My story requires a fleshed out plot mountain. I have one I did when I originally thought of the story four years ago. However, that diagram is very basic and doesn't help me know what I'll write in advanced or how I'll stitch together all the notes I've taken.

I think the last week of December I'll start fleshing out this plan. Making sense of the amalgamation of notes in my notebook. It will give me a good jumping point for those first 50,000 words in January.

I may have been a poor writer in high school but that won't hold me back now. I'm going to use every tool I know to make my writing enjoyable.