Ending a Future and Finding Another

What January consisted of for me.

To say January was unproductive isn't quite covering all the problems I've had last month. Preparing my story for a month before and then trying to write up several new story ideas when my first failed made it very clear that my NaNoWriMo was a disastrous failure. It seemed no matter what I wrote I had no connection to it and it didn't feel like I was accomplishing anything. At week three I tossed the pencil across the room, threw my hands up in the air, and promptly gave up on the whole venture deciding to relax for a little while instead.

Problem was I couldn't really relax. It was becoming clear that I wasn't comfortable with writing regularly. Writing was something I wanted to make a career out of and it still potentially is. My inability to have any creativity made me ask myself constantly, "What is wrong with you?"

The answer was a mix of several things. One, I'm in the middle of a depression which can make writer's block feel like a real life hell. The self loathing that comes with not accomplishing your own goals makes you not want to get out of bed and to consequently bury your head in the sand so you don't have to deal with the rest of the world and it's expectations. The second was that I've been thrown (by my own will) into a creative business that I haven't really tried my hand at before. Honestly I never took a journalism course outside of high school. And when I did take that course all I did was make poorly drawn Microsoft Paint comics for the school newspaper; a far cry from professional editorials of any sort. Thirdly, I have begun to wonder if my college degree was really what I should have been pursuing for five years with the constant feelings of unsteadiness that I've been dealing with.

This mess of facts and questions lead to a perfect storm of personal turmoil that I'm working on getting my butt out of. I will always like writing and will probably continue this blog (2-3 days a week instead of daily.) However, it has become plain to me that I need to stabilize my future by setting up some goals. The first of which will include me going back to college while I still can. My father works at a university, so I get nine credits free a semester at my school. I may return to professional editing and writing again later on in life, but for now I want to explore other opportunities. 

I'll start writing for fun on the sides when my Musa Internship is over and keep my skills sharp in any way I can. I'm still artistic at heart, but when it comes to perfectionism in this field I know I'm lacking. Thus, I think as a growing writer I will relegate my writing to a page a day (for fun).

Depression is an ugly thing, but clearing up your future plans definitely helps with making life feel better. Exercise, a schedule, and accomplishing tasks seem to be factors that help dissipate my lethargy and irritability. However, knowing how many expectations I can have of myself is key too. Making too many goals only makes my problems worse, thus the drop in the number of blog posts I will be doing. For now I'll trudge on and look forward to the days yet to come.

I Found My Groove!

Another Year Another Page by Judyta Murawska

Apparently yesterday's creative reboot was exactly what I needed for my writing. I can hear a thrumming buzz in my ears as new thoughts whiz by for several short stories that take place in a future China. I'd say it's a dystopic collection, but the thing is I think dystopia's are happening all the time. We just don't tend to notice the dark things going on around us in America. Western thinking has made us believe that we are beyond the reaches of losing our civilized nature as a collective. Losing our humanity seems laughable when there's a Walmart, drugstore, hospital, religious house, bank, and Salvation Army down the street. Thing is, take away electricity or introduce something like a plague onto the cities of today and I don't think it would take that long for things to slide out of balance. Societies are meant to eventually fall whether by disaster, war, or internal collapse. No government can last forever.

My government rants aside, the entire time on my two hour car ride home today I was happily thinking of new ideas for short stories. I wasn't trying to weave the characters together so it worked well. If it becomes more later, awesome! If not, I won't be crying about it. Most importantly the stories I'm thinking of make me want to draw. When I feel compelled to create and visualize a character and universe it is extraordinarily refreshing. I feel a bit of my old self reviving. The girl who wanted to take on the world and prove she had something great in her jumps out of the closet like she's been locked in there for a year or two. Though I feel more of an amateur now than before, it's kind of refreshing to know exactly where I stand. That and it makes me feel comfortable enough to start searching for my own writing voice. To craft it beyond the obvious and delve a little more into the details.

Richland, a town nearby, has a writing group and I need to start attending. It meets twice a month and with any luck one of the writers will have been published. I need to meet some people who know the ropes of publishing and acquaint myself with them in person, not just read their articles on my phone and laptop.

I'm excited about what 2013 has pushed me to do this year and with any luck I'll find just enough success to keep me moving forward. That and with all this creative energy flowing around, who knows, I may post some personal art here in the near future.

Until then, Happy Writings!