The End of an Experience

Silhouette of  the Woodbridge Ferris statue at Ferris State University

On the 29th of March my time as editorial intern ran out. It was an interesting experience, which I will not soon forget, but it opened my eyes to a few things. That while I love writing and copy editing, I really am not the best on working on editorial materials or working in an environment where there is no office. These are my own faults, not the company's. The Musa and Penumbra staff were nothing but supportive, educational, and wonderful coworkers.

Hopefully they find another intern with a little more vigor, and preferably a journalism minor. I know that lack of writing knowledge had my head spinning. An English major knows how to write, to be sure, but we also lack a lot of skill that a journalist might have. We're good at analysis of work, but there is so much more I felt I should have known. Then again an English major may be able to do it, they'd just have to be quicker at learning on their feet than I was. I can think of a few fellow students back at college who might have handled the experience better than I did.

In the end the internship made me realize that while I may want to try this sometime again in the future, for now I need to focus on gaining new skills for another career. A career I feel I would be more stable in. I decided that this summer I will re-enroll at Ferris State University for a degree in Computer Information Systems.

I went to a career counselor about two thirds of the way through my internship realizing I needed a change, and this is the path that we found seemed to suit me. So, for now I'm going to say goodbye to the professional writing world and hello to the tech industry. It was fun, but I can honestly say, I didn't know what I was getting into. I may still try to write a novel, but this time it will be as a happy author with a completed manuscript outside of the industry.

Happy Writings!

Ending a Future and Finding Another

What January consisted of for me.

To say January was unproductive isn't quite covering all the problems I've had last month. Preparing my story for a month before and then trying to write up several new story ideas when my first failed made it very clear that my NaNoWriMo was a disastrous failure. It seemed no matter what I wrote I had no connection to it and it didn't feel like I was accomplishing anything. At week three I tossed the pencil across the room, threw my hands up in the air, and promptly gave up on the whole venture deciding to relax for a little while instead.

Problem was I couldn't really relax. It was becoming clear that I wasn't comfortable with writing regularly. Writing was something I wanted to make a career out of and it still potentially is. My inability to have any creativity made me ask myself constantly, "What is wrong with you?"

The answer was a mix of several things. One, I'm in the middle of a depression which can make writer's block feel like a real life hell. The self loathing that comes with not accomplishing your own goals makes you not want to get out of bed and to consequently bury your head in the sand so you don't have to deal with the rest of the world and it's expectations. The second was that I've been thrown (by my own will) into a creative business that I haven't really tried my hand at before. Honestly I never took a journalism course outside of high school. And when I did take that course all I did was make poorly drawn Microsoft Paint comics for the school newspaper; a far cry from professional editorials of any sort. Thirdly, I have begun to wonder if my college degree was really what I should have been pursuing for five years with the constant feelings of unsteadiness that I've been dealing with.

This mess of facts and questions lead to a perfect storm of personal turmoil that I'm working on getting my butt out of. I will always like writing and will probably continue this blog (2-3 days a week instead of daily.) However, it has become plain to me that I need to stabilize my future by setting up some goals. The first of which will include me going back to college while I still can. My father works at a university, so I get nine credits free a semester at my school. I may return to professional editing and writing again later on in life, but for now I want to explore other opportunities. 

I'll start writing for fun on the sides when my Musa Internship is over and keep my skills sharp in any way I can. I'm still artistic at heart, but when it comes to perfectionism in this field I know I'm lacking. Thus, I think as a growing writer I will relegate my writing to a page a day (for fun).

Depression is an ugly thing, but clearing up your future plans definitely helps with making life feel better. Exercise, a schedule, and accomplishing tasks seem to be factors that help dissipate my lethargy and irritability. However, knowing how many expectations I can have of myself is key too. Making too many goals only makes my problems worse, thus the drop in the number of blog posts I will be doing. For now I'll trudge on and look forward to the days yet to come.

Convention Crazy!

Jumping back into the work schedule brings me to a peculiar topic. Conventions. Musa is having me compile a list of conventions to help its authors share their writing with those of like minds and interests. I've been compiling lists of science fiction, horror, romance, fantasy, and general book conventions for the past couple days with location information and links to event and artist coordinators. The lists are insanely long and I never imagined there were this many conventions every year. Almost every weekend has one and several weekends have multiple gathering's all across the United States.

Despite my lack of knowledge on the number of conventions, I am aware of their power and existence. My first experience with a convention was Youmacon 2007, an anime convention that was in Troy, Michigan. Anime conventions usually cover anime (Japanese cartoons) and manga (Japanese graphic novels.) I've loved manga and graphic novels ever since I was introduced to them in seventh grade. When art and writing meld together you get a unique story telling experience. It may not be literature, or require the depths of your imagination to visualize what is going on, but there is humor there that you can't really get anywhere else. 

I made the helmet and scythe. It took a lot of work, but I had one hell of a time during the con.

Youmacon 2007 was one of the smelliest experiences of my life. It consisted of no AC and lots of nerds with body odor packed tightly together indoors. In spite of the smell there were artist's there who created my favorite animes and mangas. More importantly I got to know people who had the same interests I had and got to explore the culture further. I vowed I would come back and I did from 2010-2012 with friends in tow. Thankfully that experience was much less smelly. Those years the convention was at the Detroit Marriot where AC killed the stink of a couple thousand of people. In 2011 I went as Celty Sturluson (image above.) I was randomly chosen to do a free photo shoot with a bunch of people who wore costumes as a hobby. Costume's are a major part of anime conventions and I chose to take part that year, spending a good day making and putting together the outfit.

It's a zany experience and I have a hard time believing that any other convention could top the craziness factor of anime cons. However, I think in the future I should also start scooping out the lists I'm currently making for the Musa authors. There's professional aspect as a writer and an editor that becons me to attend. I hope I learn something at one of these conventions, but I also hope that it doesn't lack a fun atmosphere. I may not wear a costume, but I wouldn't mind an improptu writer's circle or a panel about online publishing.

I love these gatherings and hope I'll be at one in the near future.

Happy Writings!

P.s. Day three have thoroughly neglected writting. This creativity block is killing me. I will do better on the weekend.

The Futility of Utopia

A piece I did for Penumbra's blog. I had to laugh though. As soon as it went live I realized I made one of my notorious spelling mistakes, using bellow instead of below. Not only that, I used are instead of were in a terrible tense mix up. Grrr. Oh, well it's out there for all to laugh at. I checked over that piece too! Though, I probably didn't let it sit long enough. Here's the link and a really short excerpt...

Penumbra eMag: The Futility of Utopia: by Kristen Saunders What is utopia? It is an ideal community or society possessing highly desirable or perfect qualities. The problem lies...

The next issue deals with Ray Bradbury. I'm currently acquainting myself with his works. I never read Fahrenheit 451 like everyone else did in middle school. I picked up Lord of the Rings instead. So we'll see what Bradbury's works inspire me to say.

This, as ever, was a shameless plug.

Can You Train Yourself to Think Before You Speak?

Today I went to a holiday party that my mother's company threw. There was shrimp, tenderloin, dancing, karaoke, champagne, and good cheer all around. My mother introduced me to a very nice gentleman who spoke very eloquently. I, however, felt I was a tongue tied bumbling idiot for a good portion of the entire evening. Often having to reword or rephrase what I was saying to make it intelligible 

On the way home my mom and I noted that he must have thought about what he was going to say before he said it. He took a moment to answer your question, but when he did it was always a well formed answer.

I couldn't help but think as I sat in the car on the dark ride back to our house that the way I talk is precisely like the way I write. When I write, I throw a garbled sentence on the page and I go back and edit it until it sounds right. A conversation with me is like watching this process in action and is slightly awkward. I'll correct something I've said in a confusing manner, but I always feel that I come off as unintelligent.

I may get my bad speaking habits from my family. We use words and expressions like thingy, stuff, that one time, and thing-a-ma-jiggy. We also have a habit of responding immediately after we hear a question or something we feel like commenting on. While the prompt response may show interest, it may not be the best thing to do.

I feel like I should start editing what I say before I say it. Taking that extra moment to make my thoughts fluid and easily understandable. It may help me to write better in the future. My thought process is this, if I can learn to say what I want to say in the heat of an active conversation, then I can learn to write what I want to write accurately the first time.

Don't misunderstand me, editing will always be needed in writing. If I don't continue to edit I would be denying everything I've taught myself up until this moment. I'm just hoping that by changing the way I process what I'm about to say or write I might find that my first drafts won't be as much of a nightmare anymore.

Deadline 2

I have a deadline looming before me, and while indefinite it is approaching very quickly. I have been working non-stop the last few days on an article for Penumbra and am anxious to not only provide a good context for the piece, an interview in this case, but also good editing!

I've been in such a tizzy to get it done I haven't really even attempted to work on my notes for my book today. I've been coming along with my notes. Learning about viruses and syndromes and how they work. I still need a little more in that area historically, but then I'll move on to different ancient cultures, specifically the Aztecs. So there's a plan in place, just no movement.

These deadlines are really teaching me to start using my time more wisely, because I don't want to be frantically pushing like this near the end all the time. A professional should be better than this, and you can bet your buttons I'm going to make some changes despite the upcoming holidays!

So while I would love to ponder on my writing skills, future books, new tools that I should be looking at as a young writer, and the book groups I should be trying to join. My fingers are currently needed elsewhere.

To all of those still pursuing NaNoWriMo, best of luck to you!

Can There Be Joy In Editing?

I often feel like beating my head against a table unceremoniously. The reason? Simple, finding an error in a piece I've already published. It makes my ears turn red just thinking about it.

The ironic thing is that when I was at school it never really bothered me. If I had a few red marks on my college paper I didn't feel like an idiot so much as I felt like I had been robbed of time before I turned in the assignment. Procrastination was a friend that I kept at bay mostly by being constantly busy. However, in my super senior year (that's year five for those of those who are curious) I contracted the infamous, Senioritis. Everything I did was last minute and I had little guilt. I just lost the will to care at that point. Mainly because no one ever marked me down enough on grammar to make me care. So I didn't.

Now, when writing for the public eye, I often wonder if my grammar is correct. I fret over comma placement like I haven't fretted since my elementary grammar tests. I constantly reference books on what I should be doing in regards to punctuation, and am constantly checking my use of affect and effect, usually twice before my work gets sent out. It's nerve wracking and I often find myself feeling like a degenerate when my German mother finds errors before I do.

Before I tear myself down any further I will add, that these last couple of months at Penumbra have started to re-instill the basic grammar I've been neglecting throughout my education. I can, and often do, find my own errors and do not need to have them pointed out to me. Typically. No one has the perfect first draft, it is usually filled with errors. I just find it ironic that I'm working for a magazine and don't know all the basics by heart. It's another one of those, "How did I get away with this?" questions.

To be honest in all of writing, editing is my least favorite task. You can edit as you go, but  it almost never ends up catching all of the errors. It's the method I usually did at school because it was quick and PAINLESS. I know it's silly, but it often hurt my pride to find those silly little errors. Quick and painless, however, were based in pride, and as the saying goes, "Pride comes before a fall."

I know time with my paper (or even my blog, yes I'm aware there are a few pieces I haven't edited here) would solve many of my problems. However, I always get the feeling right before I edit like someone is dragging their nails down a chalk board. While I'm doing it there is not problem and afterwards I usually feel secure. It's those minutes before that drive me crazy. I feel like I'm having a confrontation with my weakness and I, like many, don't like it.

So the question becomes is there a way to find joy in editing? To face yourself and not only be comfortable doing so, but enjoy doing it. You might be thinking this girl is nuts! Who equates editing with self worth? Well, the answer is a career writer. A career writer should care about the quality of their work. Deadlines should never be an excuse. Though, I admit, it's often deadlines I blame for my lack of editing.

Maybe if I start placing my pride in my ability to edit, I can change my mindset. When that happens I think I will truly find that joy in writing. In reworking and refining what I have into the best pieces I can make.

That and my proverbial head will enjoy not being bruised by repeated drops onto a hard table and my ears can keep their normal pale color.

Deadline Day 1

So today was a deadline at Penumbra. To say I'm tired doesn't quite cover it, yesterday I described to my boyfriend that my hands felt like they were attached to lead weights. He said I should try that and really see what it felt like. Writing takes my energy, my eyes burn from staring at the computer screen, my bones ache, and my brain feels like it's fried at the end of the day.

I still love the exercise of it. I like the expression it allows, and the feeling at the end of the day of some accomplishment when hitting the pillow. Still it's nice to know that after tonight I'll have a little relief. Tonight I'll watch a few episodes of Sex and the City with my mother. It's the first time I've watched it, and I have to  say I like Carrie's style. Carrie is perhaps what I strive to be. A little less risque perhaps, but definitely the kind of fun analysis of life that I want to achieve. The humor I always feel I'm a step or two away from.

I proposed a column today, and I'm crossing my fingers it will be accepted. It was turned down the first time. Understandably so, looking back at it now I felt it was an atrocious mess. This time though I think I've got it. It may not be 100% of what it needs to be. But this time I feel I've captured some sort of essence I was reaching for. Still that little demon of uncertainty is whispering terrible things in my ear. So we'll see if it goes anywhere.

So, those are my hopes for this first deadline. I'm certain I'll have many more of them in the future! I'm going to leave them on this page tonight and wind down for the evening. Snuggle into my raggedy burgundy throw and be entertained by other great minds.

Getting Away With It?

When did I think I could get away with professionally editing, without writing first?

I'm not certain when the idea first came into my head. I switched majors in college five times till I found myself comfortably studying English and literature. It was easy, the questions could be argued, and I always figured that at the very least that I could later attend law school. However, my real focus was to become an editor. After all who wouldn't love to read submissions on a daily basis and find the next F. Scott Fitzgerald, Nora Roberts, or George R. R. Martin?

As you can see, I have a wide range of tastes, It's certainly wider than the respective author's genres above. I thought the job would be ideal. I'm just not certain when I thought I could get away with being the gate keeper to such writers, without first offering up a smidgen of my own work. I've always had these glorified views about how things work, and I didn't have any professionals to guide me or give me a reality check.

I had never been a member of the college paper and I never bothered to volunteer a column. I wrote in a writing circle, but that only lasted one year before it fell apart in my Junior year of college. Of course I wrote analysis papers for my classes, but in the end the only thing remotely professional I could claim was a short piece of fiction that I got published in the schools annual PRISM writing contest. Even then I only got second place to a well accomplished friend who blew the competition away that year. He won something like three first place awards.

I should say, that I was an active college student. It wasn't like I was a good for nothing. I stayed active with Sigma Tau Delta, the National English Honors Association, and worked at school twenty-two hours a week on top of being a full time student. 

You would think at some point I would have woken up from my fantasy and realized that this was not all going to work out as I had envisioned. 

So, here I am, an intern with Penumbra eMag and I've been writing. Doing interviews and attempting to develop a column on early writing. It hasn't been accepted yet, but it is in the works. It's a bit of a hilarious mess really, but I'm going to figure it out and make this thing work. 

I'll have to learn to write for the masses, explore the tools available to me, and fight that tick I got in college called procrastination. This is my attempt to start publicly writing and to move myself into the mentality of writing for the masses. I may have interesting stories or little tid-bitts of information to share. But here it is November, National Novel Writing Month, and I figure this is the best time to give a professional writing career a serious go.